Recently, I have been struggling with what it means to be a Rabbi and even with the title 2.5 years away, thinking about really starting to fill that role when I do not feel like I have the support and mentorship that I need to make me the type of Rabbi that I want to be.
In Israel, I often feel torn between loving most of my classes and the challenge of the Hebrew and content and the general lack of consideration to the requirements that I am obligated to take. In short, as a third year student, I am in Israel under the new "year two" curriculum. This means that some of the required courses that I am automatically enrolled in are repeats or slight variations on courses that I have already taken. While I love all of my professors and think that they have some great and valuable Torah to teach, the Halakha class is a repeat (although with a slightly greater focus on earlier Rabbinic texts) as is my Tefilah class (only new thing here is Sephardic traditions which would be covered by davening a few times at a Sephardi shul). When I mentioned these repeats to my home-school, one of the responses that I was given was that I should enjoy having a class that does not have as much work. my response to that is I would rather be learning. In short, it does not matter what I have taken over the past two years, my courses this year are just pasted on top of past Israel year requirements.
Hartman, which I continue to love, has given me the language to be able to articulate my challenges with becoming a Rabbi. This is the letter that I sent to my dean at JTS a few weeks ago expressing some of the struggles that I am having.
Dear Rabbi -,
I wanted to share with you another concern that I was able to finally articulate tonight in my seminar at Hartman. I am finding more and more that JTS is not supporting my growth into the role of Rabbi. While I recognized this before, tonight it all came together in an emotional way.
Before starting Rabbinical School, I started a journal. I wrote one entry and then closed the journal and have not opened it since. I wrote about all of the apprehensions and concerns that I had about becoming a Rabbi. Then I started Rabbinical School and felt that I had to squash my feelings and concerns. I told myself during years one and two, when I was taking what felt like an enormous course load and tons of text heavy classes, that I could tolerate it since JTS was working to help me to improve my skills and there was no way that I could actually retain all of the information that was being fed to me.
At Hartman, I really started to appreciate the journaling again. I feel that I am in a group of classmates, peers and future colleagues who are supportive, nonjudgmental and honest. I have never before felt that I could be truly honest with myself and with others while at JTS. At Hartman, we are giving guided topics for journaling and then given the option to share. I have found this most helpful in helping to identify ways in which I am Aviva.
Throughout Rabbinical school, I have been asked why I want to be a rabbi. Tonight's journal topic was "what in this world is calling you to be a Rabbi?" It is a similar question but open for a very different response. I found myself writing a bakasha/kavanah about the type of Rabbi that I am hoping to be. I was not summarizing everything in my past that led me to Rabbinical school but rather sharing my dreams for the future- that of the Jewish Community, and most importantly- myself. This was not something that I feel that I would have been able to do at JTS- not in integrating seminar year one or in fifth year seminar either. I also feel the need for this to happen in a space, with my peers, that is not MAKOM.
I think what made tonight different was I felt that there were individuals who was genuinely concerned and incredibly supportive regarding my welfare and my vision of what a difficult life choice means.
The analogy was made tonight to the trees in the forest. I feel that JTS is so concerned with the trees (the required courses, program length, public image) that they fail to focus on the forest (the growth of the students into future leaders of Conservative Judaism). I feel that at JTS there is much less concern and focus placed on making sure that rotations are growth opportunities and that students are getting mentorship experience than there is on making sure that courses are filled (grammar classes that don't exist anymore or 4 different classes in medieval whatever). I remember last year when I was working 4 days a week to try and stay afloat financially (with having taken the maximum amount of loans) and being told that I should not be working so that I could spend more attention on learning and class. I think that was a diservice to me as not only did I need that money but also because it was the only opportunity that I had to start applying some of the education that I was receiving.
I heard a beautiful quote this week which was if you know Alef, teach Alef because if you wait until you know Bet and Gimmel before teaching Alef, you will either never get to Gimmel or more importantly, you will be letting down your community. I think that had I not taught and tutored last year, I would be even less prepared for my student pulpit in Israel this year and whatever internship I receive next year.
This made me think about the reasons that I chose to attend JTS. I chose it because it had a reputation for academics. I figured that if JTS was giving me the tools for learning so that I could keep learning on my own then I would be able to gain the practical rabbinics on my own. I feel like I was giving myself too much credit. I need some support as I work to strengthen my pastoral skills, my teaching skills, and my own personal development as a rabbi. I am not finding that I get that at JTS.
I shared a hope tonight that we would all be more supportive of each other and those around us.
Thank you for reading and listening,
Aviva
After I showed this e-mail to a classmate, he asked what I was hoping to get from this e-mail. On a most basic level, I am looking for a hug. I want to know that the institution into which I have invested so much energy, presence and debt is as invested in me as I am in them. I think that one of the biggest areas where this could be helped was if I had a Rabbinic mentor. I do not feel that I have a close or deep enough relationship with anyone at JTS r outside of JTS whom I can reach to discuss and share struggles, successes, or growth. Maybe it’s because I have also not been in one shul (with a Rabbi) since the middle of high school. While I am excited to have more internships and mentor experience when I return to JTS, I also need to have someone, not a dean, to check in with me and challenge me all 5 years of school. That is what I am missing most. A group seminar that is confined to a seminar room does not do it.
Having this lack of role-model, I find myself often turning to my classmates. Sometimes this is helpful and very supportive and sometimes it leaves me feeling empty and distant. I realize that many of my classmates have mentors and are not looking for the same relationships that I am craving. It is a challenge.
This past week at Hartman, we were studying Zohar and in thinking about Hannukah, we looked at a text that teaches about the candle and the different types of flames. The candle was an example brought to illustrate the different levels of souls and spirituality (Nefesh, Ruach, and Neshama) and how they relate to the body (Guf). The three levels of spirituality are dependent, reliant and directly supported by the previous levels but without each, it cannot grow and build to reach its’ hidden potential. In short, we are the wicks that burn. We have the oil to support us from below and then around us are three types of flames. The innermost, which is connected directly to us, is the black flame. This cannot be separated from us. Then is the white flame that surrounds the black and begins to omit light. The third is the outer layer is described as both hidden and unknown. It was connected to either the flame itself or more metaphorically to the heat (ripples) seen emanating from the flame.
We were also challenged to find how each of the components of the flame related to us. What were our black, white and unknown levels? I answered that I am the wick, the oil that I burn is the Torah that I learn and consume. The black layer is the title Rabbi. Once I have it and sometimes even now, I wear that hat and it can’t come off. Then the white level is the teaching that I hope to do as a Rabbi. The unknown rippled layer is the influence that I will have as a Rabbi. I am hopeful that my Torah ripples will one day extend further that I can see. Each of those levels are contingent and related to each other.
This was what I needed this week as I look ahead towards finals (5 papers and 3 exams). While I understand that I need to keep fueling my oil jug, I also need to start burning and developing my flame. Don’t let the light go out!
Happy Hannukah (and happy birthday Emah)
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